BTC fooling around at $85K, Fink Bets Big on Crypto, Stocks Limp Through Q1

TLDR

BTC nears $85K, ETH and SOL climb—Fink’s bullish on debt driving crypto, MicroStrategy buys $1.92B BTC, Sonic’s TVL soars. U.S. stocks flop in Q1, gold hits $3,167 ATH, Trump’s tariffs loom—degens ride FARTCOIN, SPX, and GUNZ to the moon.

Disclaimer

This is the view from the afternoon as we see it—crypto’s soaring, stocks are sulking, degens are dancing—but the U.S. stock market opens soon and those Wall Street clowns could torch it all. One fat-fingered trade, and BTC’s in the gutter, Fink’s crying, and tariffs triple—brace for the bell fam we can still look like fools.

Main Crypto News

Crypto’s strutting its stuff today—Bitcoin’s up 3% to $84,300, closing in on $85K, while Ethereum’s climbed 5% to $1,875 and Solana’s notched 3% to $128, leaving stocks in the dust. BTC ETFs dropped $61M, but ETH ETFs grabbed $6M—picky money’s still in play. Fidelity’s dubbing BTC’s run an “acceleration phase,” with exchange supply at 2018 lows—hodlers aren’t budging.

BlackRock’s Larry Fink’s gone full bull, warning U.S. debt’s ballooning could herd investors into BTC, and he’s calling it: “Every asset can be tokenized”— Trad-Fi’s waking up. Senator Tuberville’s dusting off the Financial Freedom Act to shield crypto from red tape, and the Treasury’s crypto holdings drop April 5—could flip the script.

MicroStrategy’s shelled out $1.92B more for BTC, McCormick’s logged $600K in buys, and L1 activity’s perking up after two dead months—blockchains are stirring. Base has barely squeezed $1.1M for ETH in 90 days, with fees at a five-year low—cheap but sleepy. Sonic’s out front among altcoins, TVL spiking 75% in a month, Tether’s minted $1B USDT and snatched $735M BTC in Q1, and Circle’s tapping banks for an IPO push. SpaceX is blasting a BTC investor into orbit today—literal moon shot—while Bolivia’s ended a decade-long crypto ban and Pantera’s raising its fifth fund. Crypto’s on the move—don’t blink.

Macro Trad-Fi

The macro vibe’s uneven—NASDAQ’s flat at 17,300, but U.S. stocks just tanked their worst Q1 since 2022, outdone by world stocks for the first time in 37 years. Gold’s up 1% to a new peak of $3,167, racking up its best quarter in 40—trade war jitters love the shiny stuff. Trump’s teasing “reciprocal tariffs” as “very kind,” but China, Japan, and South Korea are plotting a joint counter—trade’s getting spicy.

The Mag7 Index is at a seven-month low, officially bearish, while Eurozone inflation’s dipped more than expected—some breathing room there. American credit card debt’s hit an all-time high—wallets are screaming—and OpenAI’s notched a $300B valuation in its latest round—AI’s still cashing checks. Trump’s kicked off a U.S. investment accelerator, is eyeing tax refunds via DOGE cuts, and axed USIP—efficiency’s the name. Elon’s set to jump back to his firms post-DOGE, Trump’s hooked White House staff with Teslas, and SpaceX launched a pole-to-pole orbit mission—big bets all around. China’s flexing military muscle near Taiwan—stakes are up.

Chad-Fi

Degen land’s alive and kicking—FARTCOIN’s at $530M, SPX at $540M, with KEYCAT and doginme landing Coinbase listings—meme mania’s rolling. BAYC, Morph Black, and Good Vibes Club NFTs are hot, while GUNZ hit a $1B FDV on launch—Off the Grid’s catching flak for investor gripes, but the cash is flowing. 6529 Memes shook up its distribution—degen whispers—and Decrypt’s hooking into Myriad markets for tighter trades. Kaito and Noise are teasing a collab—could sneak up big. The left curve’s a circus—jump in or get clowned.